December 5, 2015
2nd day of my period we went to see Dr Ivan to discuss what’s the next step for us. We did the ultrasound and this month Dr Ivan found 4 follicles on my left ovary and only 1 on the right side. Since there were not many follicles, dr Ivan decided to increase the injection dose to 300 iu of Gonal F on the first four days (where normally for women at my age will only need 200 iu), expecting that the 5 follicles will all grow bigger and the follicles that can’t be seen yet will also grow. We decided to do the injection by ourselves at home so we don’t have to go back and forth to the clinic.
December 9, 2015
5th day, Doctor Ivan would like to see the progress of our follicles, so we went to the clinic to do another ultrasound. Since it was a public holiday, we didn’t see dr Ivan but dr Nando. and surprisingly only 3 follicles that responded well to the injenctions, sizing 14 mm, 15 mm, and 9 mm. Dr Ivan asked to continue the injection with the same dose for the next 4 days with additional injection of cetrotide everyday (to hold the follicles from releasing themselves).
December 13, 2015
9th day after 8 day of injections, we did another ultrasound with dr Nando. surprisingly the follicles became four of them! However, only two seemed mature enough to be fertilized. Dr Ivan scheduled us to do ovidrel injection (injection to release the follicles) at 9 PM sharp, and this time the injection must be done at the hospital by the nurse. Afraid that we would be late because of the traffic, we decided to leave apartment early to have dinner around the hospital, and we managed to arrive at the hospital at 8.45 PM and waited patiently until 9 PM for the injection.
December 14, 2015
no activity, no more injection. It’s my free day :)
December 15, 2015
the OPU (ovum pick up) day. we were scheduled at 9 AM, the first patient to undergo the procedure. I was put into full sleep, so knew nothing and it’s my very first experience having myself being fully sedated. What i remember was the nurse was talking to me, asking my full name, my date of birth, my husband’s name, my husband’s date of birth .. which I haven’t answered in full .. and the next thing I remembered was that I was already in the recovery room. and the first thing I did was looking at my palm (the nurse would usually write down how many eggs/follicles were retrieved), and there’s nothing on my palm. I was very scared and panic, and when I saw the nurse passed by, I call her and said … Sus, telur saya berapa? (Nurse, how many eggs do I have?) and she said “there were 4 retreived but only 3 can be used” (then she wrote the number on my palm haha) . and my tears suddenly dropped.. Thank you God, I don’t have many eggs, but You gave me enough good eggs. And then I asked the nurse to call my husband to accompany me until I was fully recovered before we’re heading home.
December 17, 2015
A call that I was scared to make, but my friend asked me to do it. A call to the clinic to check how many eggs were fertilized and how many have become embryos. I was sooo scared that none made it, and when the embryologist told me “Bu, there were 4 eggs retrieved, but only 3 that we can use, and all three of them manged to be fertilized, so you have 3 embryos which we will not find out the quality yet until tomorrow”. Oh my God!! that was one happiest call that I ever made.. I cried and couldn’t stop thanking God and the embryologist. I have read so many people have sooo many eggs,but only few made it to be fertilized. For me having only 4 eggs, and 3 of them made it to become embryos, that is something! really! and the embryologist informed us to come the next day for the ET (Embryo Transfer)
December 18, 2015
8 am – we arrived at the clinic. This is the day where we found out the quality of our embryos. There were 2 good embryos and 1 poor embryo. The news that totally blew us away. But we have decided that we wanted to wait until the 5th day after the OPU for the ET. The embryologist insisted that we should do it that day, because we only had 3 embryos which they believed that there is a high possibility that none of our embryos would make it to day 5. But we had decided and were very firm with our decision that we wanted to do the transfer of day 5. Why is that? you can actually read it here . Basically, on day 3, the embryo mostly only form 8 cell embryo, which we can’t predict the condition of the embryo on day 5. Even at its excellent condition on day 3, it can suddenly drop to poor condition. While if we wait until day 5, we can see which embryo is the best one, the strongest one, and usually by day 5, the embryo has become a blastocyst form. So there it is, we waited until day 5 and finally dr Ivan and the embryologist approved our decision.
December 20, 2015
the ET. we arrived at the clinic 8 am, waited for the embryologist anxiously. We knew we took the risk that we would have zero embryo left, so when the embryologist called out, I couldn’t stop babbling and praying before going inside the room. The embryologist showed us the picture of our good embryo, we didn’t understand what did the picture meant until he explained that the embryo didn’t make it into day 5. My heart dropped to the lowest point, and I couldn’t stop thinking.. how about the other two if the good one can’t make it? But God loves us.. the next embryo he showed us, he said.. this one good embryo made it to “early blastocyst” stage, so we can transfer this one, while the poor one didn’t make it too. Praise the Looorrd!! God is good. He answered my husband’s prayer that he prefers to have one child rather than a twinnies :)) So there we gooo, the transfer.. no sedation, its just like an IUI procedure, no pain at all. I had to keep my bladder full so the doctor can easily see the way to the uterus, and waited for an hour before I can leave the clinic. My tears dropped when the doctor said.. this is the embryo, and it’s inside already and you can see it on the monitor, the little white spot, that is your embryo. It’s an amaaazzzinggg feeling that you can’t describe. the tears of joy, tears of happiness.. I have an embryo inside me that I loved him/her already.
December 20-December 31, 2015
The Two Week Wait (2WW) was the most difficult part of the journey. I had a full bed rest for 2 days, and home rest for the next 2 days before I started my light activities. I’m so lucky that I have a supporting family, friends, and a helper. My home helper cooked for me everyday, and took care of me while my husband is away for work. I still eat 6 white eggs every day, one avocado per day (thank you Gojek and ice Juice Kedung Sari, you saved my life when I can’t find good avocados!) and many medications to take including the lovenox injection every day, however.. I enjoy every single thing of it. I decided that I will do this with all of my heart, and never take this as a burden. Of course there was always a doubt, nervousness and sooo many what ifs. What if this IVF failed? What if this IVF works? But, I have no doubt whatever the result is the best solution that God gives us. There must a reason why it works, or why it doesn’t work. All I can do everyday was just praying, and try to say it to myself, whatever the result is .. believe that is the best one for us.
December 30, 2015
very painful cramp on my tummy and low back pain hit me, so I decided to do a home pregnancy test which my husband didn’t know about it.. and it’s a very fine line, just one line. I cried myself at 5 AM, while my husband was still sleeping. I knew deep inside that my period is coming, this is not working, but seeing my husband was very hopeful, I just tried to talk to myself, It’s okay ping.. it’s okay.. you can do it, and don’t lose faith. Some people is having period like symptom but its actually a positive pregnancy.
December 31, 2015
the wait is finally over, this is the day I would find out the result. We went to the clinic at 10ish am for the blood test, and waited anxiously for the next 5 hours. I went to Gandaria City with my friends, and we got the result at around 4.30 PM. I didn’t dare to ask the result to the nurse, so I asked my husband to ask. He was going to the car to put some stuffs while we’re waiting for the result, and I was already sitting at Pizza Hut about to order my afternoon snack. Then my husband showed up..
I could see from his face.. he’s trying to be calm, and all I could ask “Its a negative, right?” and he nodded his head. my tears dropped… totally dropped at the restaurant. He said to me.. “its okay to fail, bluki .. believe me that this is the best God gives us for now. Maybe if the pregnancy continue, the baby will not be a healthy one, so God made it fail. It’s okay…”
Yes, it is painful, yes it is very sad.. I had one fail IUI, and I also cried when I failed. This time around, I didn’t expect myself that I would cry and sad this much. But my best friend told me.. “its okay to cry, Kum.. its normal” and yess.. I cried and I cried.
I cried when I told my mom… I’m very sad that I still cannot give my parents a grandchild, but my mom is the strongest woman on earth… she said “It’s okay to fail, Nak.. everything in life needs time.. God’s timing is always perfect, maybe this is not the time yet from God, but you have to be faithful, you can see how God can change your husband (this I will share maybe in the future), it took times.. and Mama believes that God will also give you a beautiful and healthy baby at His time. don’t be sad.. Mama can give you everything in your life, but this one (a child) Mama cannot.. If Mama could do it, Mama would Nak ..” I know deep inside her heart, my mom is also torn away.. but she must be stronger than me, then I told myself, yes, my mom is correct, my husband is correct, and my best friends are also correct. I have to be strong and don’t lost faith and hope, and believe that God’s timing is always the best timing, and God has a beautiful plan upon our lives. Are we still going to do it? YES, of course we will. We currently stop taking all the remaining medication, and still waiting for my period to come before we can see dr Ivan again to discuss what’s the next plan for us.
This is not the best New Year’s gift.. not the best news to start a new day in 2016, but I cherish every moment of it. I thank God that I got to experience this whole IVF process, I’m blessed that I am surrounded by the best people in my life. I take the positive and the bright side of this journey.. This journey will make me a better and stronger person to walk in the new year with new hope, and new spirit. For those out there who is going thru the same as I do, don’t give up and don’t lose faith and hope. There is always a way when we believe.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2016!